The Healthy Writer Blog

Reflection: Regrets and Celebrations

Posted by Trish Milburn Dec 9 2011, 12:01 am in guest blogger

By Heather Snow

It’s December. For many people, it’s one of the most hectic times of the year—holiday shopping, cooking, decorating, or maybe year-end wrap up for our day jobs or small businesses, or trying the spend the last of that medical savings plan before December 31 so you don’t lose it. It’s also often a time for reflection.

I’m looking back at the last half of 2011 (I’ll admit, I can’t even remember the first half, pre-second child!), and wondering what I have to show for it health-wise. Sadly, I have to admit, not much. For the most part, I have dropped the ball on my bid to be a healthier writer this year, and that is the truth.

I had such high hopes for myself over the summer, when I decided it was time to take my health in hand and share my journey here. What I hadn’t counted on was that I was about to enter probably, if not the most, then the second most externally stressful period of my life. This is too public of a forum for me to share details outside of the ones you already know—new baby, first deadline, husband finishing up a 20-month MBA on top of his full-time career that necessitated him being gone most nights and weekends, as well as almost a month in China in October. I can say that the additional challenges were on several fronts, and they hit in a barrage, one after the other—some we’d expected and planned for, others quite out of the blue and a little devastating. Maybe I used it as an excuse, or maybe it just was too much for me to tackle my battle with weight loss at the same time.

So as I look back at the past few months, I have two choices. I can beat myself up at the lack of progress I made on the health front—listen to the negative voice in my head that berates me for not being able to balance everything — “Other women all over the world can handle their lives, children, jobs, stress and manage their health, why can’t you?” — or who accuses me of not loving my children enough to do what I can to ensure I’m around for their lives — “Well, we didn’t choose the boys today, did we?” (believe me, the negative voice in my head is a pretty mean lady who says pretty awful things—I’ve cleaned it up quite a bit!), and who makes me feel guilty for even posting here once a month when I really had little to offer. Or, I can look at what I do have out of these past months: two happy boys who haven’t missed a beat even if I feel like I’ve barely held it together (and boy, is the 5-month-old really turning out to have a darling personality!), a second book turned in, I didn’t gain any weight (in fact, I lost about 10 lbs. Not what I’d hoped for, but in past times of stress, I’ve usually gained) and the blessing of having family to help me through while my husband was gone and I was on deadline—even if we did have to move 4 hours away to manage it, and that I kept my commitments to everyone but myself. I can be grateful for those things, and forgive myself the rest.

Of course, I’ll choose the latter…the former will make me miserable (even though that mean voice will creep in—she always does). But I also know I can’t go on as I have these past few months. I’m not getting any younger (and neither is my metabolism!), I do have two young boys to live for and I’m turning 38 in December.

Thankfully, this very day—maybe even as you read this, my husband graduates (with honors!) and the boys and I are there cheering him on. I have revisions due January 15, so I know that most of my focus will be there for the next few weeks. However, once that’s done, we should be able to settle back into a normal family life. Next year promises to be great—my first book comes out February 7, and my second August 7. My husband and I are breathing a sigh of relief that his intense commitment—our family’s commitment— is done. We’ve talked about what both of us can do together to support a healthier lifestyle for our family going forward, our own sort of New Year’s resolutions, just starting mid-January instead of Jan 1, and we’re committed to being partners in it now that we’re moving on to a new phase in our lives. We’ve made some very specific steps and commitments and I have hope that together, we can do it. Hopefully, I’ll be able to share some positive results next year, if you’ll have me. But for now, thank you for all of the great comments and advice you’ve shared with me this fall, and I wish you all the very best as you take stock of what’s worked for you or not this year as we move into 2012.

Speaking of, are you already thinking of changes you’d like to make going into the New Year? Or do you try to avoid New Year’s resolutions?

3 Comments

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3 Responses to “Reflection: Regrets and Celebrations”

Sally Kilpatrick says:

December 9, 2011 at 8:21 am

Baby steps, darling. You’ve lost 10 pounds! You have two kids, and you’re still standing! You have a request for revisions and a husband who’s finished a major degree! I promise you, you have had a successful year. Write down your “done” list (expression gleefully stolen from Anna DeStefano) from 2011 before you start on 2012 because we have a tendency to sometimes shortchange what we accomplished and focus on what we didn’t.

Keep fighting off that critical inner voice, too. I’m thinking about dressing in fencing gear to face mine!

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Michelle Butler says:

December 9, 2011 at 10:00 am

Heather, you have had an amazing year. How can you say you haven’t made forward progress on your health goals when YOU HAVE LOST 10 POUNDS!!! Acknowledge that accomplishment, please. It’s an even bigger accomplishment than the capital letters imply because of all the challenges you faced this year. I think you need to reframe the way you are looking at this – and get rid of that negative voice. Life is so much nicer without it!

What will you remember 2011 for in 5 years? Most likely it will be your new son and perhaps your husband receiving his MBA. I do think reflecting on your past year before making goals is very helpful. This reflection may have some painful moments, and it is helpful to let you feel this emotion instead of repressing it (through food), but it is not productive to beat yourself up or wallow in bad feelings longer than you should.

Furhtermore, I have found your posts this year very helpful and inspiring. I’m glad you took the time out of your busy schedule to write them.

Congratulations on a good 2011! Best wishes on a fabulous 2012!

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Michelle Butler says:

December 9, 2011 at 10:34 am

Following up on my own comment, I would suggest that you take a look at your expectations. Are they realistic? Learning to manage them really helps with this journey.

I’ve written about it in previous posts. One was about facing the scale with zero expectations, but managing expectations is about so much more than weight loss. It can be about the stories you tell yourself.

Say it’s your anniversary and you expect your husband to bring you flowers. If he doesn’t, you are dissapointed or even upset. If he does, you may not be that pleased about it because you expected that he would.

Say you expected to run into a man whom you have a crush on at an event. If he is not there, you can start spinning tales in your head that he’s on a date with a hotter, thinner, younger girl. This can let this start you feeling badly about yourself and saying very mean thigns to yourself. You start going on this emotional rollar coaster and get all upset and mad at him for something you just made up. The truth is he had to stay late at work to meet a deadline or something like that.

To bring it back to health – say you told yourself that you expected to lose 50 pounds the last half of 2011, but you underestimated how many other challenges would be thrown at you. You were able to handle those challenges so well that you managed to lose 10 pounds in a time of great stress. Instead of being happy and proud of the fact you lost 10 pounds, you beat yourself up about it because you expected to lose 50 pounds.

All that Zen stuff that the RWR article the Tao of Publishing is helpful – live in the moment, go with the flow. It was one of the things that helped me get a better understanding of how important managing your expectations can be.

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